Iolaus: Herc, why are we bare-chested and sweaty in the forge, breathing very heavy?
Herc: It makes the female viewers faint so that they can't change the channel.
Iolaus: Ah, clever.
Iolaus: I want a girl, now!
Herc: *sad* Iolaus, you're hurting me.
Iolaus: *suspicious* What are you saying?
Herc: You're standing on my foot.
Xena: I'm the innocent girl of the week because I'm humming and swinging a bucket. La-la-la-lala.
Suppose-to-be-warriors: Get her!
Xena: *fights them off* Ha-ha-ha. Fooled ya! I am the warlord of the week. Now let's kill Hercules!
Herc: Whops. Here I am again without my shirt on. How did that happen?
Alcmene: Iolaus needs a girl.
Herc: Haven't we already implied that?
Alcmene: Well, we needed another scene with you shirtless.
Xena: Hello, you think you can help me find a soft warm bed?
Iolaus: Yeah, sure. I'll talk to the innkeeper for ya.
Herc: Eh, Iolaus. I think... *makes gesture*
Iolaus: Oh… *to Xena* That's what you meant?
*A week later*
Xena: I must leave.
Iolaus: Why? Is there another man?
Xena: Not one man - many of them. And women and children too.
Iolaus: You slut!
Iolaus: Oh, I see what you mean now; you're a warrior. Please go on.
Xena: I came to get some help…
Iolaus: Pick me! *jumps up and down with one hand in the air* O-ho. Pick me!
*Xena's lieutenant #1 attacks Herc*
*Herc looks surprised*
*Xena's lieutenant #1 kills himself with fork*
*Herc does not look surprised*
Herc: Xena wants me to go after Iolaus so that she can kill me.
Alcmene: So what are you gonna do?
Herc: Well, since I haven't got any better idea I'll guess I'll go after Iolaus so that Xena can kill me.
TPTB#1: *giggle* I managed to squeeze in another chest scene for Iolaus.
TPTB#2: Wow! That's great. But don't you think we've had enough for one episode?
TPTB#1: But this one's different. Look, *points at scene* Xena's naked too.
TPTB#1&2: Yeah! *makes high-five*
Iolaus: What are you doing here?
Herc: She tried to kill me. *pouts*
Iolaus: *really, really, really angry* I don't believe you! Wait. *to TPTB* I'm not sure on my motivation here. Why don't I believe him?
TPTB: *hesitates* Because… Eh… Don't ask so stupid questions. Just continue.
Herc: *reads script* OK, so I'm suppose to walk away, abandon Iolaus here, and let Xena take over and slaughter the world. *pauses* Yeah, that makes sense. Bye Iolaus.
Herc: Who are you?
Old man: I'm here to change your mind about stopping Xena.
Herc: You know what? I think I changed my mind about stopping Xena.
Xena: Oh, I'm so devious. *happy* Iolaus will think Hercules killed you and tried to kill me. Iolaus will fight Hercules. Hercules will kill Iolaus. And I will kill Hercules.
Xenas lieutenant #2: Why would Iolaus think Hercules killed me.
Xena: Don't you worry you pretty, bald head about that.
Iolaus: I'm getting sick of being bare-chested. *thinks* Let's loose the pants too.
*Xena throws her chakram*
Xena's lieutenant #2: *with the chakram in his throat* I think I figured it out now.
Xena: He tried to kill me. *pouts*
Iolaus: That doesn't sound like Hercules...
Xena: Really Iolaus, who do you trust? Me whom you known for almost three weeks, or Hercules whom you known only one lifetime?
Iolaus: Well, when you put it like that… I'll guess… *sniff* I'll guess I'll have to kill him.
Xena: Soon, Hercules will be devastated by Iolaus' death, and then after I killed him, I will rule the world! … Whatcha all looking at?
Xena's lieutenant #3: Isn't this the part where you're supposed to do the "mad scientist laugh"?
*Iolaus and Herc fights*
Iolaus: I want to kill you!
Herc: You do?
Iolaus: Nope, changed my mind.
*a real fight with Xena's men*
Iolaus: A moment ago I managed to get in quite a few good punches and kicks on Hercules, and now I'm getting beaten up by two wannabe-bandits?
TPTB: What did you expect? There's no Greek God of Logic. Duh!
*Herc saves Iolaus while Xena rides off*
Xena: Ha! You haven't heard the last of me, Hercules!
TPTB: If she only knew how right she is. *snicker*